What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.