[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
You Might Also Like
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
More like Kate Missington.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
he’s doing your taxes
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long