comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.