*frowns in Scottish*
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Nice try, poison.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!