Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
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You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir