It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.