You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet