serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You Might Also Like
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.