It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
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“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
ibopfufen
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Introverted vegans go meetless
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.