Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
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GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Best spoiler warning ever
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?