I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
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That’s classic.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
The internet is full of many things
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.