In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
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If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.