Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”