I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
new shirt idea
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault