Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
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I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.