Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids