Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
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I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Is fake venison called venisn’t
huge if true: the moon
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.