My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
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My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
spot the difference
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.