Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
🤣😈🤣
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???