things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
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“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]