Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I cannot call her anything else now
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy