Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*