Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
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Thanks to a fan for this one.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
what are they serving at kfc then???
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.