I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
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taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
New menu item
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
The government even made aliens boring