Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”