If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
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INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I WON A HAM TODAY
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy