5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
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There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Spa day..😅
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!