My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
asking santa clause for nudes
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*