Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Sunday
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.