Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
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no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.