*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
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I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers