“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
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My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My hips? Compulsive liars.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
mood
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
The first one, obviously
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school