bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
opening twitter today
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream