ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
You Might Also Like
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Kids: Stay in school.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time