my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
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How times have changed.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.