“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
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Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
sin harder.