He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
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My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”