“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
SCARY COSTUME
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.