What even happened today?
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Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.