Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
tinder is all about the long game
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*