ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
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Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
liiiiiiiiike
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress