A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
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If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.