My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Spotted in New Orleans.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard