Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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God: you鈥檙e a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that鈥檚 not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don鈥檛 tell Snake.
Snake: don鈥檛 tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don鈥檛 tell me what?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
(yawn)
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you鈥檙e supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Worth a try
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I can also cook 馃槀
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Spring of Deception
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch