Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
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white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
had to share :’)
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I only eat vegetarians.