Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”