5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
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Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”