The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.