My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*