Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
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INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Actually cracking up @ this
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!